Life is a series of firsts...

For me, right now, each day has become a series of firsts; things that I must do for the first time within my new identity. I am a single mom now, a divorcee who does not yet know how to place the accent mark above the first e in "divorcee," as I create my first blog. I do not want to take the time today to learn and become bogged down with the mechanics. I will learn and make my way each day, just as I will have to learn to make my way in so many other areas of this new life. (I must be honest though. Technically I will not be divorced for a few more weeks; another technicality that I do not want to become bogged down with.)

Creating this blog seems like an accomplishment to me. Waiting to see what will appear on the final screen is simultaneously frightening and exciting. Once it is "posted", will I be able to erase my words from space, if I should later see them as juvenile or too bare for others to see? I am reminded that vulnerability is considered a weakness, not attractive nor viewed as intelligent. I want to be strong, intelligent and attractive. Since one of my identities is that of a lawyer, I have no choice but to be all of this too. Why isn't being vulnerable considered strong? It takes courage to share your heart, or to trust. I am grateful to Adrian for giving me the courage to write this blog. Her blog holds her words that together are smooth and engaging; she writes in a style that connects to my mind and heart. She writes about real places and real things. I tell myself if she can do this, I can too.

I did take the time to check with the online thesaurus to make sure that divorcee was really a word; as if, if the word didn't exist, I might not either. My eye caught the first word that I saw, what I thought for a moment was the peculiar definition for divorcee, "divine being." My heart paused at the thought that somehow I had transitioned into a divine being just by becoming divorced. Then I noticed, in fact, what the site was telling me was that the word "divorcee" did not exist and the words listed below were only alphabetical options that I might choose instead.

Luckily, my handy Second College Edition of the American Heritage Dictionary confirmed that I do exist. In fact, following the chain of definitions I am led to the fact that divorce can be defined as, "A complete or radical separation of things closely connected." That is clearly what I think has happened to me. I have been ripped apart from the identity I had become closely connected with. In this moment of time I feel as if I am hurling through space without a plane ticket to a destination, and I am holding in my hands precious cargo. I will not be able to use my hands to brace my fall. Landing on my feet is my only option.

So today, I choose to identify myself as a "divine being," some sort of superwoman who has survived the loss of one life and is brave enough to blindly walk forward into the next. In this new life, I will not let my thoughts win. I will not lose site of my heart and all that I have believed in: love, family, friends, connection, kindness and most importantly, living life fully, happy, joyous and unafraid.